Do You Look Like What You’re Looking For? 3 Questions To Ask Yourself Before Dating

What is your Number 1 priority or goal this Year?

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#SquadGoals

  • What was your Number 1 priority or goal last year?
  • Did you accomplish it? If so, how were you able to do so?
  • Did you fail? If so, what was the reason for your failure?

 (I challenge you to read no further until you have this questions answered)

Personally, my only goal this year is Consistency, but I also would love a good relationship. Beginning of this year, I told myself I wanted to be more intentional about dating. Not as intentional as creating a list of qualities I want in a wife (See 4 Things I Learned from being single), but more so internally becoming the man, boyfriend, and husband God called me to be to my future spouse.

So I came up with a list of questions I needed to ask myself before I even began to date, and I thought it would be cool to share.

This post may not be for everybody. Single people might enjoy this post the most but the overall theme of intentional focus is key for anyone striving to make this the best year of their life.

Note: Please don’t forget to join the conversation in the comment section, would love to hear from my married and folk who are in a relationship.

BUT, before I get to my points I just wanted to share 3 Quick Things I learned about dating last year.


My 3 Quick 2015 Dating Epiphanies

  1. Never go to Dinner on First Date. Best Choice: Coffee Shop. |Why Greg?
  • If you’re at Dinner You can’t leave when you want
  • It can get pricey when the conversation is only truly worth a Grande Frap
  • Dinner is reserved for close friends and people you would generally like to eat with not a person you are unclear if you could carry a 10-minute conversation with
  1. The Movies, Concerts, House, are all OFF LIMIT for dates 1 through 3. |Why Greg?
  • You can’t talk at movies or concerts, so how are you going to connect and get to know someone.
  • Those situations can get hot and heavy if in the house and can lead to things, feelings, etc., that your situation is not truly ready for.
Please reread that last line.

Please reread the above line #MajorKey

  • They should not know your address that early in the game. (Point. Blank. Period)
  1. Do not talk on the phone each day the week after the first date. |Why Greg?

Simple: It sets a false standard. I have done it time and time again when I would talk every day to a person then fall off the face of the earth. In my head, I was feeling someone out to see if we meshed. In reality, I was sending the wrong message. Which wasn’t fair for the person involved. Pace yourself and give each other an opportunity to deserve the everyday call.


3 Question To Consider BEFORE Dating

  1.  Do I look like what I am looking for?

My Story: I wrote a blog post about a month ago about being single. I declared a grand list of all the qualities I wanted in a Wife. After almost 6 months of no luck I had an epiphany. I asked of all these things from a woman, but what did I ask of myself? Do I have a list for me?

Example: I  said non-negotiable was a Christian woman.

But my actions said I wanted otherwise.

  • I was Netflix and chilling
#TheWomanThatDoesThisHasMyHeart

#TheWomanThatDoesThisHasMyHeart

  • I was allowing women to spend the night over my house
  • I was drinking after midnight at people’s houses where I had no business being
Please Note: Dont get the wrong idea. I wasnt wiling in these streets but I did put myself into some bad predicaments with this behavior.

I wasn’t serious. I was looking for a relationship I wasn’t ready, nor did I deserve to get. Until I limited my drinking, got more involved with the church, and created new ground rules for myself, that virtuous woman was not going show up. Which is why I am currently working on becoming a better brother, a better son, and a better servant of the L ord, which will make me the boyfriend, the husband, the father my future family needs to be.

Translation to life:

Don’t ask for anything you are not ready to receive. – Greg E. Hill –> Click to Tweet

If life was to give you the career, the car, the woman, the man, the money you wanted, you may not be able to keep it. So instead put your focus on managing your money better, treating the relationships you have better, investing in your career, so when the time comes you are ready.

  1. Do I have the time?

My Story: At one point last year I spoke (via text) to 5 females every day. I was NOT dating them, or looking for a relationship, they were just female friends. They were all across the country so I thought no big deal. But as the year progressed I noticed the majority of them were angling for something more. Then it got to a point where everyone wanted something more. The stress of not being able to tell them I wasn’t interested waned on my energy. Every text, every call begin to drain me.

Translation to life: A lot of people say this year I am focusing on myself. Yet, they are consistently on social media saying and doing things with no intentions. They are not attending any new conferences, reading any new books, and meeting no new people. They are doing the same thing they were before they started focusing on themselves except dating… and expecting new results. From personal experience, I have observed that simply won’t work.

My Question to you: What does focusing on me look like for you? What does a day look like when you’re focused on your dreams, hopes, and aspiration? I challenge you to write down what a focused day, week, month looks like where the only thing you are focused on is you. Declaring it online and to your friends is not enough.

  1. Do I have the money?

My Story: There was a 2-month stretch where I spent almost $1000 dollars on dates. And trust I am not taking anybody to Ruth Cris. Anybody that asked me to hang out I said yes. Even times when I had no agenda. I had things to do, but I figured I need to live life and who knows. That casual attitude to dinner, drinks, etc led to many calls to my home girl Jas complaining about money. I felt like every night was like this:

(Full hilarious article here First Date NoMas *5 min read)

Confession: This was me all of 2015. I am chivalrous I promise and I never argued about splitting the bill but best believe it played out in my head like that.

Now any time a female ask for time, dinner, or lunch, I ask myself, Is this a:

  • Business Meeting
  • Are we catching up
  • Are we real friends:

If the answer is no or If I am unclear, I will deny. Period. Everything I do this year is with crystal clear clarity. Because if not my time, energy, and WALLET will pay the price for my lack of clarity.

Translation to Life: Have you created a budget, and if so, does it have the room for dating. Remember your #1 goal and priority. Don’t push dating to the front of your finances if that means other things must suffer. If someone is right for you, there should be no problem discussing money. Because as relationships deepen and money is not addressed it will only lead to bigger problems down the line.

Question for You: What area in life are you lacking clarity? You may think delaying it or not asking questions is not hurting anyone. What are you afraid of?


Big Takeaway: I don’t encourage you to be single this year. Cause I certainly don’t plan on being that. But youre Energy, Time and Focus are Critical to your success.

Don’t waste energy on dating, invest it into thriving. And I guarantee you will find and be ready for the person of your dreams. – Click to Tweet

 Question: What is One Thing You learned about yourself from Dating?

{Answer Below in the comments by clicking here.}

Please note: I reserve the right to delete comments that are offensive or off-topic.

  • S Alkon

    Hey G – nice blog topic. It’s great how you take a specific subject – dating – and use that to remind people to check themselves. It’s not just about the destination – the journey is important too. What do we want, but also what do we bring? Focusing on ourselves does not necessarily mean pampering (but it can include that) – but what to improve. Nice.

    The Dutch issue is interesting. Back in my dating day (20+ years ago) guys just paid for everything. But I’ll point out that either expectation and/or availability was such that dinner would be fast food, or Denny’s 🙂 And going to a movie then did not have 3D or Imax options.

    • Thanks Dr. Alkon for your words of wisdom and the idea of dutch has DEF changed! Fastfood is just not acceptable anymore. lol. @salkon:disqus

  • Kirtisha

    Great read. It’s good to hear the single male perspective. This definitely speaks to some things I’ve been trying to get in check this year; especially working to look like what I’m looking for. Above all #InvestInThriving is key. Once again *finger snaps* to the openness and transparency.

    • Already! #SouthSide got to represent. God got us if we continue to invest in his vision for our lives @missj1913:disqus

  • Justin Sexton

    Great article man. It had me asking questions on my past relationship. Our first date was a late night Chipotle run and we talked for over an hour about our goals, future careers, college, ect. Then as we planned more dates, less started happening but the communication was still strong. Then she thought I was annoying and we fell off. it was a learning experience because one flaw I had in other relationships was that I used to hit her up every other day or every day. This relationship however, I improved communication and let it breathe. I had to accept that she wasn’t ready.

    All of these tips are MAJOR KEY. Appreciate it.

    • No Doubt lil bro. We all we got. You are far ahead in certain area’s of your life then peers, just be patient and the girl you need will be ready for the man you are @disqus_QELlk6QW18:disqus

  • Kam E

    *Snaps fingers. Too deep for the intro. It can really be a tough resolve to make…. I know myself, STILL learning definitely, but I feel I can hear the voice of God all too well to know when he’s trying to “sit me down” and unction me to take my time on things.. I think we just idolize the idea of a helpmate. I know I have lol. To be able to grow old with your BestFriend? And have a lifetime tag-team superhero partner type relationship..someone that is finally equally yoked with you and powerful enough to check you and be honest and bear the burden of walking down the road less trodden… It’s a really beautiful thing. Personally, I think my lack of entertaining relations led to an idolization for so long.. it kept my standards because I had high expectations but when I finally allowed myself the “luxury” of doubt instead of trusting God’s promises and tried to do things on my own, I tipped toed out of grace and terribly teased my tastebuds while I was clearly just as ready as unripened fruit. I would be so afraid to let go personally because, when I do and take up my cross, I know it’s no turning back. I stagnated myself in circumstances where I was just ignoring my warnings and rolling with the motions….so determined and yet so numb, I watched my spirit allowed my naive soul constantly trying to force my will, like a toddler who keeps attempting to put the wrong shaped wood block piece into a heart shaped enclosure… It just wouldn’t fit.
    I’d feel even more remorseful knowing that I had to let go of the one I finally let my heart shine upon… the Chosen One *Morpheus voice. Fr. It hurts like a sun dried sharp thorn because at this point, your already convinced that this is it and are ready to commit whole heartedly.

    The bittersweet good thing about pain though, is that eventually, our instinct takes over and we naturally adapt out of self preservation. I believe I’ve certainly had my share, because now, it’s all too much a reality and such an ingrained truth. I don’t want it any more. It’s like God put a bad taste in my mouth for relations. As much as I want one I’ll never be satsified until I consistently learn to settle in the contentment of a closer tight-knitt, -the-only-reason-why-I-look-up-is-because-He-told-me-so type of an intimate relationship with God.

    My heart doesn’t want to wait. But I will have to faith it until I make it new, and fully appreciate that there’s a time and place…A space for the divine season of love.. I don’t really have a choice so I either go out miserable or out with a smile..

    And I totally agree with you. Being a good steward over your life is the most important priority. I believe being single is a gift also. You get to grow and make a better you. You can be silly and weird, and talk to yourself, and travel. You can work out your own kinks. But it also takes that Grace of constantly renewing your mind knowing God is sufficient for you, walking and living it so our hearts won’t get harden by perceptions of what it’s seems like we’re lacking. Especially if one does hope to kingdom build one day…⚓️Must be anchored.

    • Clap Clap Bravo. That is a blog in itself. I appreciate your openness and transparency.

      The great thing about are God is that he does not lie. And if you trust in him with your heart he will lead you to where it truly needs to be @disqus_bn5jnCvC0v:disqus.

      Sometimes the water you thought would nourish your tree to grow to unimaginable heights actually kills you at your core. But as you grow, reform, and change that same water that poisoned your roots allows you to transform and flourish into area’s, relationships, and opportunities you never could imagine.

      Remember you are a One of One. Dont ever belittle your ambition, heart, or confidence due to the actions of others. Because you never know how God is moving the puzzle pieces in your favor.

  • Na Shai

    Great post, Greg! This was definitely a reminder to me about entertaining relationships past their expiration date, and #InvestoThrive. How can we expect others to value our time, money, and feelings if we don’t respect our own? I know that has been said time and time again, but I think it’s very important for us to have the qualities we are looking for in a mate. Think about it – we want God to provide a Godly mate who loves Him, but what would He look like giving US to one of His daughters / sons when WE aren’t doing all that we need to? Amen.

    • Thanks for your words, perspective and commenting @nashai:disqus. Thanks for continuing to add value to the culture and community :)!

  • Lynn L. Douglas

    This was a VERY well written article! And yes it is nice to hear things from the male perspective. I think as we get older we start to see that time is of the essence and so it is only fair to respect your time and the person who you may or may not have interest in. I’m usually pretty reflective but I have been even more reflective in the last month or so and I see life from a totally different perspective now. If we truly want to have a real relationship with Christ and a relationship with a significant other that is Christ-Centered then we have to focus on learning how to cultivate our relationship with Him first…He promised that all things would be added to us if we did.

    One thing I’ve learned about myself from dating is the mistake that WAY too many women make…you can’t love a man into loving you and changing. I had the “Captain Save-Em” complex but love doesn’t try to change people…it only encourages growth. The only one who can change the heart of man is God and I had no business trying to “play God.” It’s okay if things don’t work out…that’s life. Respectfully part ways and be more prayerful about future choices.

    • Wow. I wont add anything to what you just said. I need that. Thanks sooo much for sharing @lynnldouglas:disqus 🙂

  • Marvin Jones

    This was a really good blog post Greg. I like how you took the time to do some self-examination and put things into perspective, which we often forget. I agree with you about dates 1-3 not being your typical dinner and movie or Netflix and chill situation. I tend to enjoy a date that is engaging and creative (doesn’t have to be over the top), but stimulating beyond mundane words. I think vibing out to creativity and seeing your partner/date get the chance to express themselves is really a great way to build trust, intimacy and a budding friendship (friendships are key to dating, quiet as its kept). Great post man! Keep them coming!

    • Thanks for the comment @disqus_CURNhmp5jL:disqus. No doubt creativity is the fruit of new levels of friendships and relationships.

  • Michael Morton

    This is a great post Greg. Your candor and ability to tell the message through your own stories really brought this post to life. Well done my man!

    • I appreciate the read and thoughts. @disqus_r4Odg1C35e:disqus. Thats all we have is stories. And I just share my journey to start conversations we all have in are heads. Glad you read the post and I hope you were able to grab something from it.

  • Lori Boyd

    Thank you so much for this post Greg! So well written and insightful. You were able to put into words conversations that happen in my head everyday, I can just never seem to articulate them! Sharing your personal circumstances really made the blog post relatable. It was also so refreshing to gain a better of dating from a mans perspective. Thanks so much for this!

    • Awe man the pleasure is all mine @disqus_xO01GQo9Cd:disqus ! Thanks so much for reading and getting something out of it.

  • Terry E Thompson

    Greg makes some good points in this article, and overall it is a bit sophomoric. Although wise, he is young. I said all of that to say this. I looked a woman dead in the eyeballs about 30 years ago and concluded immediately she was not the one for me. I’ve been married to her for over 25 years. One can ask the questions Greg mentions and it may set you on the right path. Finding the right person is more than asking questions before dating. In my case, looks were deceiving. Although was and still is beautiful, I had to look deeper, past the obvious questions Greg mentions, although good questions. I needed to feel the family she belonged. I needed to see how she was raising her child and what she was attempting to do with her life. I needed to share my friends and family with her to see how she got along with them and if she would fit in with my crowed. I was unsure of any of that before engaging her in these public ways. I needed to know if she could handle herself at dinner. One can’t ever be sure if they have the right person. Leave that in God’s hand and do not try to do His job I think. Our job is to listen and live, not question and judge. Please don’t misread me here Greg, you are on fire and on your way. I see it, and i feel it and i am experienceing it through your post.

    • Thanks @terryethompson:disqus for sharing your thoughts and insights it really does mean allot. I wish more older men would share more advice like the advice you just gave. I know as a young man I can take the responsibility for not ever asking serious relationship questions to older men that have been there done that but I do wish there was a bit more knowledge shared that is at a deeper level like the snippet of info you shared. I can only speak from my 26 year old perspective. I hope to continue this dialogue as I grow in my experiences, as a blogger, and as a man. Thanks again for taking the time to share and add value to this discussion brother.